not my own money

The weather here has been so wonderful the last few days. It feels almost like Fall. I look forward to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard every year. And I still have “go through a corn maze” on my bucket list that I’m eager to accomplish some day.

I left work almost two months ago now. And during this time, I felt like I was not doing much. We don’t have any kids (outside of the womb) and I felt like as my husband was working hard for our money every day, I was just spending it. It was a hard thing to transition to, being at home. It was also a feeling of losing control. Ever since I had my first “real” job at sixteen, I’ve felt like I could spend and save whatever money I want. Make my own decisions with it. Even when we got married, I still felt that control. Sure, we shared the same bank account but we both had full time jobs and if I felt like having a $30 clothing spree one day, I did it. It was both our money but in some selfish way, I still felt like the money I made was mine.


Last week, I read Dave Ramsey’s book, The Total Money Makeover. When I was younger, my mom would be doing dishes in the kitchen while listening to his radio show every day. I remember the parts my mom liked the most: the times when someone called in and yelled over the phone, “We’re debt free!” I’m sure in some way, she would dream of that being her and talking to Dave about our family. I don’t remember when she stopped listening to the show but I do remember my dad saying that there is no way we will ever be debt free.

Since my family was so close, I think all of us thought we had some responsibility to take care of the debt. When my brother and I shared a room, we would talk about all the ways we would get money for the family. Or if we won a million dollars, the first thing we’d do is pay off our debt (it felt like all of ours) for mom and dad. And then we’d build them the porch my dad had drawn pictures of and had taped above my mom’s computer for the last how many years. And then of course, we’d spend the rest on ourselves.

I still have that dream. And I still hope they get that porch one day.

Well I was reading the book. We had gotten it last summer as a wedding gift from someone and I never opened it up. Wasn’t really something I was interested in. But as I was reading, it really made sense. I got so excited about it, that I read the whole thing in two days. One of the things I’m most excited about, is getting to the point where we can give more. I feel like since we’ve made a budget, we won’t have to think about money as much and that it won’t control us and we won’t look to it for guidance. The constant worry of how much was in the bank and what bills were coming out and when, was hurting our relationship. In the fact that my husband thought I didn’t trust him to provide for our family. When this really wasn’t true at all! And I’m happy that we’ve agreed in what ways to spend and save. Because I’d hate for the money aspect of things to become a constant martial disagreement in the future.

But back to the transition of being at home thing — I get off track — my husband told me, “I know it still feels like a long ways away until the baby gets here but I really want you to enjoy this quiet time and sleep in as long as you like. Because you won’t be able to do that soon.”


A walk along the countryside, four blocks from my house on Main Street.

I was pretty offended at first. Because I’m so excited for the baby! And really don’t want to wait until he/she gets here! And I told him that. He understood how I could take it like that but he just asked me to trust him and stay home and relax.

Isn’t he too great? And now I’m finally starting to understand what he meant.

I threw on a sweatshirt and went for a walk yesterday. And it was so nice. It’s nice not to think about being to work on time, constantly looking down at my phone to see how long I have left. It’s nice to go for a walk whenever I feel like going for one. And I have my amazing husband to thank for that.

I was thinking on the walk about how awesome he is and that next month, we will be celebrating our first wedding anniversary and how our wedding day was the best day ever. And then I thought about God and how great He is for letting us live in my hometown and for giving us this baby and the nice afternoon that felt like Fall. And then I thought about our honeymoon in the Black Hills and how it was the best vacation I’ve ever had and all the places we went and new things we saw. And how cute my husband is.

I know so many women who say, “my husband won’t let me stay at home with the kids because we can’t afford it”. I don’t even know what to think about this? I just find it so sad. And I realized, even though some days I feel kind of stuck at home, that I am so blessed to have a husband who lets me (and wants me!) to care for our babies myself. And for giving me this time to relax and prepare for this huge next step of our lives.



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