In Which I Learn I’m Not In Control (Yet Again)

We had another prenatal appointment yesterday. I will be 27 weeks on Monday and will probably give a more complete update then. But I did want to mention, I had my glucose tolerance test done. I was pretty nervous about it because I was always pretty sure I had problems with blood sugar, with having PCOS like I do. Everything in the past (pre-pregnancy) has turned up normal so that gave me hope that things would be normal this time around as well.

I’ve been pretty overwhelmed this last week in anticipation for that appointment. I’ve been eating a lot better and actually lost a few pounds that I know I didn’t need since the last update you saw. I was happy about that, I was feeling healthier, baby moving constantly, and things were looking good. Yesterday, the doctor said everything was progressing very well and he was very happy with the way everything was. About the glucose test, he said, “If we see something worth mentioning, we’ll call you. So no news is good news.”

And I was totally okay with that! Because he said everything was looking great. I told him my concerns about how my mother had all of us four kids by c-section and that we were all really big. I was born at 11 lbs and 2 oz. And that was something I was worrying about as well. He put my mind at ease and said they will watch the growth as I get into the third trimester but at this point, I shouldn’t really worry. Because everything I’m doing is the best I could be doing.

So no news is good news.

Well I woke up this morning to a message being left on my answering machine. “Hi, this is blah blah from the clinic. If you could give us a call back today, the nurse you speak with can pull up your information and tell you more. Thanks!” I was really hoping to get through the day without a call and happily receive my good news by not hearing anything.

I called them back and they brought up my information. They said my glucose tolerance test came back high and that they would like me to do a three-hour test some morning that works for me. So I go back Monday.

Why do I need to tell you all this? I really probably don’t but for some reason, I really want to talk about it because I’m scared. Of course, I would prefer not to have a c-section and not an episiotomy either. I want everything my way and exactly the way I want it. And these things are definitely of higher risk if I actually do have gestational diabetes and/or a large baby.

I wish I could quote a bible verse or something.

Throughout this pregnancy, God continues to humble me and show me that I’m not in control. No matter how much I try to do to make sure things go perfectly in my eyes, I am not certain things will not end up the exact opposite. After that phone call, I cried. And again, I know this is selfish because there’s so many other things that could’ve gone wrong. I’m so blessed to even be carrying this baby this far along because there’s some women who haven’t even been given that much. I’m so emotional too! I can’t believe how patient my husband is with me and my obnoxious crying.

I prayed and apologized for trying to do things myself without looking toward Him. And just this evening, my mother-in-law wrote me a message and informed me that two of my little sister-in-laws pray for me and the baby every night. She said, “And they pray that you aren’t afraid when the baby comes.” I’m so thankful for all the wonderful people that has been put into my life. I have people praying for my baby even when I haven’t taken the time to.

a good birth

A Good Birth: Finding the Positive and Profound in Your Childbirth Experience by Dr. Anne Drapkin Lyerly.

I’ve been reading a book called A Good Birth by Anne Drapkin Lyerly. It was one of the few pregnancy books that my library had so I decided to borrow it. And I’m hooked. I have two chapters left to read but have learned so much. This doctor describes a ton of different women that she interviewed about their births and what made them “good”. The births range from home births to birth centers to hospitals. And c-sections to natural birth to epidurals. She doesn’t make any opinions as to what is the “right way” to birth but instead focuses on the women and what they need to make them consider their births good.

I felt so silly with the list of things I wanted in labor and delivery but this book is so spot-on with my feelings, that it’s incredible! It honestly feels like I’m not the only one out there feeling the same way anymore. It’s a great book if you ever get the time to check it out.

But reading this, it made me feel a little better about the call this morning as well. Even if things do not go the way I physically want them (I’m not going to stop trying or pushing for it though!), it can still be a good birth.

I think sometimes I get too obsessed with reading and finding out statistics, that I need to step back and just remember that God is in control and I really won’t know what’s going to happen until we are in the delivery room.

Right now, I’ll just keep treasuring the moments I feel the baby move and look forward to our lives together.


2 thoughts on “In Which I Learn I’m Not In Control (Yet Again)

  1. Hi!
    I found your blog via my good friend Hannah (Real Small Life). I know I don’t know you, but I wanted to give you some encouragement.
    I gave birth to Ava in December 2012 and to Emma in January 2014. I had gestational diabetes with both. Both were vaginal births. They both weighed 9lb 6oz exactly!
    Now, each woman’s body is different, and I absolutely cannot guarantee that your experience will be similar to mine, but I wanted you to know from someone on the other side that it was okay! I also was scared and upset and just so fretful. I felt discouraged and out of control. But the beauty of it is that He is in control, and the result of your pregnancy will be a beautiful baby, no matter what. I do not know you, but I am praying for you, your baby, and all who help guide you through this pregnancy and birth! And for your husband, that he will know just what to say and how best to encourage you. 😊
    Kayla Zachary


    • Thank you so much for this comment. I enjoy hearing stories like that and gives me hope for the future. And I definitely need all the reminders I can get that He is in control. Your prayers are so appreciated and just that you took the time to write this down, means a lot! Thanks.


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