There’s so many things I want to tell you. Right now, you are in my tummy and your dad keeps asking me, “Are you going to pop or what?” I’m 38 weeks pregnant and that really isn’t too late for not popping yet but we are both just so excited. And your dad is especially looking forward to those two weeks off work to snuggle with you, watching football.
It’s gray outside today. If you looked outside, you would never guess it was two in the afternoon. It’s getting cold too. I’m not sure what day you are coming but today — this is the kind of day I imagined God had planned for you to arrive. When we found out we were expecting you in November, this is the weather I pictured.
Of course, I didn’t know it would be in this exact view looking out the window of our house. So many things were changing in the few weeks before we knew you were growing in me. We looked at a house and wanted it so bad. We imagined raising kids there and pictured a bunch of little ones running around the huge background. There was so much room! And this house was only five miles from your grandma and grandpa. We had been renting a small house in the town where your dad works and wanted something different. When we decided we wanted to try and work with the bank to get the house here, we found out you were alive. It was amazing. God was making plans for us when we didn’t even know they were happening.
In the first week of March, your grandpa came along to an appointment with your dad and I. We went up to the big city and got an MRI done on my head. It had been scheduled for months by this time because it was a check up from my last MRI, where the doctor had found a pituitary tumor. It was small and benign and we were very thankful for that. But with some other hormonal problems of mine, we were nervous about not being able to have you or any of your other siblings.
We were in the clinic, waiting for my name to be called so they could draw blood. My dad was in the hallway, talking on the phone with someone, and your dad and I were sitting by ourselves.
I told him that I didn’t know if I was ready to try any medicine to get pregnant. Wouldn’t God make it happen by himself if it was meant to be? Did we really need the help of medicine? I had never been against doctors and the medical field in my life but I was grasping for any reasons to wait to be a mom. I was so scared that once I became pregnant, my body wouldn’t be able to keep you alive. I had always always wanted to be a mom but after learning of some scary stuff about my body, I was afraid I would bring you into the world and not be strong enough to keep you here.
Back when we were dating, after just a few months, your dad and I were already talking about names for you. That’s how much we wanted you. Even though it had only been five months since we’d gotten married, I was stocked on pregnancy tests and every month I tried several and it felt like it was never going to happen. I was obsessed with it actually.
In the clinic, your dad took my hand and looked at me. He told me, “There is nothing I want more in the whole world than this baby.”
And that’s when I decided that we would actually try to get pregnant.
But again, God had already made plans. Because later we would find out that as your dad and I sat there that day, you had already been growing in me for about three weeks. Just think — I thought it was my decision!
It was so funny, the day we found out. I tried the last pregnancy test I had in the house and two lines showed up! I didn’t know if maybe it was a mistake. Your dad looked at it too and just smiled really big and he thought for sure that meant it was positive.
I went online and looked up the possibility of a false positive. Turns out– that was pretty rare. But since it was a Saturday and neither of us worked, we drove to town and bought more tests. I wanted to be 100% sure. We got some at Walmart and I used one in their bathroom. Two lines again but not as dark and clear.
We went to Bomgaars soon after for something else, I don’t remember what. But I just needed to know for sure that I was pregnant. So I took another test in that bathroom and it was also positive but even fainter this time. I laughed when I threw it away in the little trash thing by the toilet, thinking of the positive pregnancy tests that I was leaving in bathrooms across town that any woman could see.
Finally, we decided that we would go to the clinic for Convenient Care because I wanted a blood test done. (Yes, your mother is crazy!) They didn’t do a blood test, just the same kind of test I’d been doing all day, but the doctor on call confirmed that I was pregnant. I don’t know why I needed a doctor to confirm it for me like the three other tests I took couldn’t do the same thing… but now, I could be certain it was true.
We told your dad’s parents on the way home. And stopped at my parents’ house that night to tell them as well.
You grew and grew and made my tummy a home, something it has never been before. So many things I could tell you about the times of you growing, of the times you kicked around and your dad feeling you move, your feet kicking against my tummy like you were trying to ride a bicycle; that exact movement. And I’m feeling your cute little hiccups as I write this.
For my 20th birthday, just a month ago, your dad surprised me with a rocking chair. He said he was going to help a friend of his with some manly lifting stuff in Nebraska. I was a little disappointed because he had been working Monday through Saturday and today was his only day off and he’d be away from me. But he came back with a rocking chair.
He said he had been asking everyone if they had one and his co-worker said his mother had one that we could have in Nebraska. I asked your dad, “Did you get this because you were imagining me and the baby rocking in it?” He said yes and that he knew that I had been imagining the same thing for a long time. I love him very much.
Any day, you are going to be here and changing our lives even more. Even when you are out in this world, you will still be growing. And it’s just crazy to think about.
I can’t even list how many people love you already! The members of both of grandpa’s churches have basically made our house your playground. (Your dad is already annoyed by the amount of toys you own! I think he’s just jealous …) People continually bring things for your arrival and I don’t even know how many homemade blankets have been made for you. Your grandma from Wisconsin has knitted you several things as well, imagining snuggling you up in everything every day. And all of your little sister-in-laws have been praying for you and your safety and the day you arrive.
My favorite thing that I look forward to are the prenatal appointments, when I get to hear all about how you were doing. And seeing you on ultrasounds. You were cute even when you were the size of a gummy bear! At 22 weeks, your dad and I already realized that you have his nose. And this picture at 37 weeks makes it all the more clear!
Throughout this whole journey, God has cared for you immensely and he loves you so much. And your dad! Oh your dad is in love with you. And I am too.
We can’t wait to meet you.